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Friday, June 03, 2005Y
stroke-less

Stroke-less = worthless.

one impt ting i've learnt thruout the 3 yrs in uni is dat alwiz look at tings from different aspects, different angles...sticking to one view will narrow down ur perspective...."wad we can see makes us blind to wad we cannot see"....unfortunately, not all can do dat...in fact it's a tuff job...i tried but failed...just at dat instance of fury or anger, one can onli see wad is known to b 'obvious' to us...n just cannot b bothered with the opinions of the others....

i certainly dun like the feeling of being stereotyped...argh...how on earth can i change dat image?? the positive side of me is alwiz camouflaged by the negative side...y do pple onli rem the bad tings n dun tink about the goody goody me?? i must admit i'm not one hoo's good at showing my feelings and emotions...perhaps becos of tis reason i haven gotten ani 'strokes'...be it bad or good...since it shld be a reciprocal tingy...*shrug*...according to eric berne, he used the word 'stroke' to refer to the nid for touch....i'll just generalise it to recognition such as a smile or nod in the head...strokes can be pleasant or painful, verbal or non-verbal....it can be punishment or praise....it is these strokes in life dat makes one feels valued....n by now u shld b able to detect my sense of worthlessness....dey alwiz sae....learn to show ur love fer others....easier said den done....guess i'm realli a boy in disguise...since guys r taught to hide their feelings more...i do dat most of the time...not becos i'm some hypocrite....but dat i lack the skills to show...i tink....in fact, i feel dat showing ur feelings can b quite pretentious at times....some pple show their emotions or thoughts just to let others recognise their presence n to receive the reciprocal feelings which dey call love....simply makes no sense to me....

to me, love shld be unconditional and mutual...it shld not b a 'becos....therefore...' ting....not everyting needs a reason....dat's y i feel dat it shld all comes from the heart but not from actions alone...if only we had an translucent heart where pple can read our feelings easily...it's not like when u try to get into the gd books of others n successfully get ur wae...dat's not exactly wad others feel about u...but actualli how u manipulated ur actions to influence how others feel abt u....dat's sth very underhand i wld sae....these stroke-giving habits just cant werk on me....

the absence of strokes denotes dat i'm as good as invisible...(n indeed wad i m now...grr...) it gives me more room to imagine and to assume....of the worst...which is no gd i noe....the reactions of others simply mean wae too much fer me...i tend to read more den wad is plainly shown....haiz...realli dunno if dat's a plus or minus pt of me....it could oso b due to my easy-gg character...(how nicely i put it)....everyting i oso dun mind....perhaps dat contributed to my ideas n thots not being valued and taken into consideration....it's alwiz becos of others n not becos of me....argh...i dun haf much opinion abt almost everyting becos i dun wan to trouble others...i dun like to b picky or wadeva such dat pple haf to go the extra mile fer me....dun dey get it???!! my good intentions alwiz turn out as ill ones....i'm so being framed by myself.....*sobz*

i dunno how well u guys r following but i just wanna whine....it's okie if u dun...cos it makes perfect sense to me n helps me clarify my doubts....*grinz*....but den again...i'm probably bottled up in my own world....n din get to the see the whole picture...except onli one of the parts...perhaps i'm being too focused dat i've neglected how others sees it...i dunno...i'm just living dae by dae hoping dat each dae will pass faster....leading a meaningless n boring life....i'm not sure how long tis 'ordeal' will last...but i definitely hope soon....(>.<) p



thirty daes.


ends at 1:10 AM