women r vulnerable. in one aspect or another. i alwiz thot i'm v strong n independent. but not when things r too overwhelming. kinda broke down in the office last thurs. one arrogant n snuggish colleague being the trigger pt. she's too absurd. i promised myself i'll wash my hands off her class. n when the next day came, i had to grind my teeth n help her out when she needed help again. HATE myself for dat. tok to boss n prog head abt wad happened. boss was ready to sack her. but knowing her, she'll be the sort who'll sue, make a din or go straight up to the board to make noise. had to take a deep breath before i meet her. her eyes r set way above me, way above my prog head (he has also given up toking to her), n will only tok to boss (for the time being, i presume). she's just too argumentative n everytime she is able to tok her way thru. dat's probably the only ting she's capable of. n not fergetting her 20 yrs of experience in mainstream. wondered how come her attitude is like dat even tho she has been in schools fer so long. unprofessional.
i'm sorry i ruined the whole atm in the office dat dae. n thanks to all the colleagues who kept asking me if i'm ok. at that pt in time, i'm really not ok. had to run so many errands in the morning, forgo my lunch time, forgo preparing for my class, used up all my energy in helping others to end up wif a fierce battle that was not supposed to be fought in the first place.
found solace finally in my class. but my mind just cld not focus. kept drifting away. i'm too caught up wif all the emotions. n hoo said pple wif asd cant tell emotions? at least i knew B knew i was feeling sad. from the look in his eyes. he looked at me n modelled my face. his usually smiley face went down. dat was when i knew how my emotions can affect his. i had to cheer myself up n carry on wif the class. but once again, i cldnt control myself but was touched to tears when he said my name. while asking who's turn it was during a game, he mouthed out his fren's name. n den he started naming all his frens. plus mine. i was realli touched. to think that all this while i thot the sounds he made was just sounds n took no notice of it. but come to tink of it, everytime he did use dat same sound when he toked to me. he cld have been calling me but i din respond to him. or din noe wad he was toking about. felt terribly guilty. these realli overwhelmed me emotionally. all in a day.
i'll be fine. travelled down to woodlands to teach after werk. wif my eyes slightly puffy. hoping dat no one noticed. the strangers in the bus, my student, my student's parents, n of cos my parents who just touched down to spore the very day. piano lesson wif dat student was gd. it kinda cheered me up. wif the warmth in dat house. dat is y i dun mind travelling so far just to teach a grade 1 student.
heaven will do justice. dat's wad i feel. u can argue dat dat is becos tings r in my external locus of control. yes it is. wad else can i do? gulp down all dat sorrow n pray fer another better day. the more i pondered about y i shld still stay on, the more i feel troubled. i m multi-tasking at a rate dat is so unbelievable. i can tok to u now n within dat conversation i have answered mani of other pple's questions, helped out wif lotsa errands n come back to dat same conversation wif u. it's dat bad.
i nid to learn how to relax. it's impt. to take tings in stride. good stride. but so hard to do. so many pple haf been telling me dat. but just cant do it. my new colleague said tis job is gd fer character building. which i tink so too. cos slowly i can see myself developing in my character. dat is impt to me too. cos all along i've been wanting to find out sth in me or about myself. i guess only thru time will it take to tell.
at the same time, it is nice to noe dat there r so mani pple arnd me dat cares fer me. i'm realli sorry i made all of u worried. including B. i'm realli proud of him. he's been helping me alot in class these daes even without me telling him to. colleagues all wanna bring me out to chill n relax. well, not tis weekend. pretty tied down these 2 weeks.
yest met up wif yh who's getting married real soon. so fast. very nice invitation card. thot an air tic was included tho. haa.... getting all pretty fer her big day. den cancelled my facial appt again to go fer retail therapy. sadly i got nth too rewarding. dat makes the plan fer therapy a failed session. but went fer dnr at hard rock cafe. was very crowded wif all the angmohs. nice mtvs there. kinda like the atm there if only it wasnt too cold. fer a moment i was taken off frm the load dat has weighed me down a ton the past few daes.
played fer my piano teacher todae. last week she said she noes i'm trying hard. i noe i m. i wan to perfect it all. but i just cant do it. it's beyond me. tis week she sensed the nonchalance in me. it's amazing how she can sense how i feel thru my playing. i alwiz tink i covered it up well. she tried to do her part to help me cope better. she said mabbe i shld go fer lesson later in the day. appreciate dat man. so dat i haf more time for practice in the morning. it's all the little tings in life like tis dat make me feel better. i'm not asking for too much m i?
just feel totally exhausted - mentally, physically, emotionally, physiologically. n like how my frens sae it - chuied. wrecked frm head to toe. but tmr is mon again. so nid to pick myself up n embrace myself in the whole new week ahead.
