♥Relaxing ...

Saturday, November 26, 2005Y

trainings + argues

sianz...stuck in office on a sat morning....was here earli cos dad drove me here...if i took mrt, i'll have to leave hse the same time as he does....so here i m....in the queit office...not very often do i haf a peaceful office...usu it's wif tension n gossips n luffs n talks....haf a training session on todae...and so were the past few daes....the WeCan Conference...so intensive n tiring...been dozing off during the speeches tho there r interesting...cant help it....haa....

tis week has been such a mentally tormenting n exhaustive week....on top of the trainings that i had...the office atm was realli quite bad....on mon, the boss called fer an uncalled fer meeting....hee...the agenda was to thrash out every unhappiness and grudges dat r present...it wasnt like a cat fight...but harsh tone n glares were there la...it was such a useless meeting....esp when it made me miss watching movie wif my frens...argh...nth got solved at the end of the dae...all the boss said was "wad happened?.....anithing else?.....ani other tings?" no soln no nth just asking us to spill out our dismay....pls man...hoo wld be so daring to sae every lil ting out??!! duhz....poor conflict management skills....n frm tis meeting i got to know quite a lot abt the hidden stuff...not known to us...the rumours circulating arnd the field abt us not being experienced....haiz....makes me so insecure n losing my confidence....tis meeting just made everyting worse....haiz...

haiz...1/2 more hr to my training...gotta run...

ends at 9:28 AM

Saturday, November 19, 2005Y

home visits

i lurve home visits!!!

yest i went to bryan's hse....realli lurve him more n more....too bad he'll probably not b in my klass.....sobz....he has a nice cottage-like cozy hse....big hse...nice decor...very relaxing...while we were toking to his mum n aunt, he sat behind us...walks arnd....sits on the swing...eats his snacks....most of the time i was looking at him....hmm...so different from the bryan i noe....tho he kips coming up to touch his mum...it was a different kinda touch from the ones i had...so i guess it meant different tings...but i dunno wad....even the mum dunno y he kips touching...his parents r professionals....managed to see his elder bro's picture....hmm...realli quite shuai....very refined looking....med student...same age as me...never see him in nus b4 tho...i'm realli glad to see dat his elder bro dotes on him....his parents dote on him too....he has another younger sis...despite his condition, his mother is realli grateful fer some of the flexibility dat he allows them....cos usu pple like him cant travel much....but he can take planes...i guess becos he enjoys being served by pretty gers.....ahhahaha.....i was amazed dat he could cycle n play skate scooter....must admit he has a gd physique...his family is quite klosely-knited...or so it seems...i'm sure there r some stuff dat the mum din tell us frankly fer fear dat he cant get in or coz of face issue....when we went up to look at his room...he quickly ran upstairs n on the lights n fan fer us....i tot dat was so swit of him....haa....and when we were leaving, he quickly took the gate's keys n open the door fer us...when the mum offered to drive us out, he quickly wore his slippers n got onto the front seat of the car n put on his seat belt....so obedient....so compliant....

todae i went to tiffany's hse....oso frm my klass when i was at ayc...it was oso the ferst time i saw her wif specs....she just play TV games...nintendo...super mario bros onli....she sits there n play whole dae....the same game...over n over n over again....unless she completes the whole set u cant get her to do aniting else....her father is more concerned abt her....so protective....she realli has a great dad....kips all her documents frm young properly....n can rem everyting abt her...i doubt our parents can even rem when we ferst started toking....i nearly cried when i hear the part dat tiffany sometimes has tears rolling down...but becos she cant express her sadness, her parents cant understand y she's sad....it's realli terrible having no one to understand how u felt....sniff....luckily i held back my tears....she has a younger bro...a pretty poly boi...but can see dat two of them r not as klose as bryan n his bro...tiffany listens to music....hokkien, chinese, english, oldies, buddha chantings....superb man...her father shld learn to let her be more independent sometimes....being over protective is not gg to help her learn new skills....but i can absolutely understand his worries....she's oreadi 21 n if she gets lost n lands in bad hands....i realli cant imagine the consequences...so dat's y the dad dun wanna take the chances....dey haf been moving hse here n there fer the sake of tiffany....so dat her sch is nearby such dat the maid can just fetch her back....our centre is located quite far frm where she lives tho....n we dun haf transport provided yet....dat's a prob...

at the two visits, tho i din do much....except sat down n listen n observe....it made me realise the other side of bryan n tiffany....tings dat i din realise at ayc...another ting i observed was dat the parents r quite optimistic....but i tink dey haf to....dey've come a long wae....so much effort put in...so much money...despite their child's conditions.....dey were both grateful fer them in one wae or another....dey were all so concerned abt them....wad's gg to happen to dem if dey haf no schs to go to....wad happen if the parents passed on hoo's gg to look aft them.....it's realli a comfort to noe dat dey r so well cared for....n dey r lucky to be born into well-to-do families....realli....without money...it's realli gg to b a big prob....when we were leaving, she said "byebye auntie".....even tho i'm onli one yr older than her chronological age....but i could understand y her parents ask her to address us as aunties....cos our mental age is much higher...

my biggest dissapointment is dat my hypothesis has been proven true.....dat pple with autism cannot rem pple....when i went to bryan's, i was hoping so much he could rem me....except fer the few long glances and smiles dat we exchanged, he din come to me at all....so i was pretty sure he din rem me....so when i went to tiffany's todae, i wasnt bearing too much hope....n true enuff...she din recognise me as well....even tho she was higher functioning.....guess i can onli pin hope on ze liang...my colleague told me he told her "teacher anu, teacher serene no more....teacher serene quit oreadi"....realli glad dat he rem my name after i left...but he's much much higher functioning....miss him tooo....was wondering...if dey cant rem faces....if their parents r gone, will dey ferget bout them? will dey ferget bout wad their parents have done fer them?

i hope both of them r coming to the centre....cos dey r realli nice to haf....n guess wad....it was rumoured dat bryan likes tiffany....so if dey r in the same sch again, bryan will get to see tiffany again....haa....so sweet....haa...jie3 di4 lian4....

ends at 1:21 AM

Tuesday, November 15, 2005Y

war

war is breaking out....soon....

it's been a while since i updated...but no worries...i'm still alive n kicking...just dat i'm sick n tired of having to face M (the 51-yr-old colleague dat i haf)....it's realli stressful to see her the past few daes esp last wk....knew she had sth against us....to tink dat she wanted a clear separation betw the two klasses...how selfish of her...she dun intend to share ani materials or resources wif us dat r from her klass...n she forbade us to even step into her klass...she just tinks dat we haf nth to offer her n dat we wanna steal her ideas....fancy being so childish at tis age....some kinda "i-dun-wanna-fren-u" mindset.....come on....grow up k....she's just concerned wif her own interests n simply ignores the fact dat the clients will b at the most disadvantage.....we nid her to coach us on stuff....which she probably will not wan to share....

n no wonder she got so upset wif us coz my snr told her we were frightened to werk wif her....which we r not....she probably mistook our intention of telling her dat we din tell M we r grouped oreadi.....so much so dat she told us dat whenever she sees us....she sees hatred n unhappiness as well....wad the....now dat we 'clarify' wif her dat we r not afraid to werk wif her...she accusses the snr of smearing her name....n probably the snr wld haf told it to boss which makes her even more upset wif the snr....tis conflict is getting round n round n will never get resolved....the boss does noe bout the arguments he hinted dat we nid to come tog as a grp....which is next to impossible wif M arnd....she's the limiting factor.....someone wif higher authority shld do sth!!!

she threatened to quit...which some of us r hoping fer....heard frm my other colleague dat my snr actualli asked her when exactly she is quitting....haa....she said tis fri or next mon....i dunno how true it will b.....doubt she will quit dat ez-ily....tho she keeps telling every1 she wanna quit....but on the other hand...dat'll leave our centre wif inexperienced staff altogether....to tink dat we just announced officially dat our centre is open....we r oreadi facing internal conflicts....omg....when is tis gg to end??!!!

todae she took leave....i guess it was on purpose....after the awful ting she said yest (n every other dae).....she actualli told another colleague off straight in the face in front of the others in her klass dat she doesnt want her in her klass.....dat's sooooo mean n nasty of her.....giving the excuse dat she cant communicate wif her properly.....coz she's frm india...despite the fact dat both r indians...just dat she's a westernized indian....dammit....how could she....now dat colleague is transfered over to my klass....dat probably means tmr someone mite b gg over to her klass.....cos the ratio now is 6:3....stoopid....it mite just be anione....mite just b me....i can tolerate her....but i wldnt wan to go to werk not noeing when i'll b criticised by her....she wun gif ani face to u....no matter hoo u r....even if u r boss....

M is just so full of herself.....boastful....bossy....selfish.....ignorant of others' feelings....tactless...obsessed wif her own thots....refuse to accept others' suggestions....how can anione werk wif someone like her?? she claims how gd she is in the other centres....but according to my colleagues' frens werking in dat centre she din get along well wif the others as well....not difficult to imagine la....amazingly she is super gum wif my fren's fren.....probably she is so ez-going n listens to wadeva she saes....when we ask her to stop her frm tis nonsense (cos we guess she is probably the best man to do it) she sae she dunno how to....but even if she noes how to...it's of no use...cos she is never persuaded by others...she wun accept ani comments...

tmr is gg to be a dreadful dae...i tink....no home visits fer me = cant get to see bryan = cant get to see his big (i tink) hse = cant get to see his bro....haa....to tink dat i have been all excited over the wkend...instead haf to run errands....like collecting the laminator at some industrial areas at ayer rajah...poof....heck man....will go late...so dat i can go late fer werk deliberately....haa.....dunno how'll i can catch a cab at somewhere near the expresswae tho....argh....carrying dat laminator which wasnt spoilt by me.....just becos i live in the west it's nearer fer me den fer the rest hoo stays in the east.....

tis issue has been bothering everyone....n almost everyone is inflicted upon in one wae or another...there r onli 2 waes out....1) 'glorify' her by givin wadeva title or requests she wans....dat'll probably mean at the expense of all of us....2) wait fer her resignation letter.....meantime we can all just cross our fingers n pray hard everyting will run smoothly....

we named our klass Shalom todae....which means peace in biblical terms....precisely wad we nid at the pressing moment....poof....

ends at 11:30 PM

Friday, November 11, 2005Y

welcome to the werking world

welcome to the werking world.

quite peeved wif my senior...the dae she came back from hawaii, we approached her to tell her to inform the 51-yr-old dat she put us in one klass...cos we tot she wld b in a better position to sae...n we din wan to create more trouble betw the two of them...since the 51-yr-old will sae the senior din ask fer her opinion kind....duhz..n at the end of the dae, one of the 3 of us was transferred to the other klass....i had no idea y the snr did dat....n she probably told the 51-yr-old dat we din tell her ourselves mabbe cos we din like werking wif her....to think dat she was so unsensitive....we were trying to 'protect' her n den she disregard our welfare....

really pity my colleague hoo had been transferred....cos she's stuck in betw....tis was wad the 3 of us feared rite from the start n it happened....the 51-yr-old told her str dat she was unhappie wif her...if i'm not wrong...hate...n probably the three of us...not just her...cos she could haf told her directly dat we were in a klass...den the 51-yr-old din ask my colleague to help out at her klass...n my snr's klass has just rejected her...she's in a dilemma...dunno wad to do...aft wad she told me...i stopped toking to my snr fer the whole dae.....

hoo noes, todae or wad i mite just get transferred over too....kauz...werk aside, we still joke arnd together...which makes me so fake...tis kinda game is so exhausting...tho it just started...n my other colleagues hoo had had werk experience told us....welcome to the werking world....

ends at 7:15 AM

Wednesday, November 09, 2005Y

torn

my senior said she was impressed wif my werk....i merely drew some kiddish pictures fer the lesson plan.....i just smiled n said "ok la..." i dunno how to react to compliments...i dunno wad to sae...but i thot i sounded hypocritical...which i seriously am not...dey get satisfied too ezily....

my admin sae i got gd werk attitude...becoz i was a lil more detailed in planning the tea reception...."serene, u got good werking attitude huh....u went to turn on all the lights rite?" yep i did....it was like a hse-warming party at our centre n was open to the hospital staff...so i guess all the rooms must b brightly lit wad....dat makes me haf gd werking attitude huh.....duhz....

my colleagues recognise my potential.....dey will sae i can draw well....i cant really draw dat well...all tryin to' encourage' me to keep drawing fer further events....poof....worse was when 51-yr-old colleague asked if i wan to go over to her klass when most probably i will not b in....just becos i noe music n can do arts....realli makes me in a spot...giap in the middle...i dun wanna be part of the cause of the politics...grrrr.....hope my senior will clarify tings wif her....cos we've been telling her white lies fer 1-2 wks n she's starting to suspect sth amiss.....it's as if the time bomb can strike anitime....i estimate it to b todae...

i'm not trying to brag here...but so wad....the boss dunno the background stuff i've done...so far la...bet he may not even noe my name tho there r onli 9 of us....everyone gets a department of their own....one dat dey are heading....but not me....n another colleague of mine....left the two of us...i can render my help in some of the departments but i cant decide which one i'm interested in...."u can alwiz knock n walk in to my room...my door is open to all of u..." dat's wad the boss will sae....i dunno wad to tell him or tok to him abt...trying to decide betw publicity n fund-raising....the rest of the departments dun nid me....haiz...the quiet werker goes unnoticed....the outspoken ones get more credit....okok....it's not dat i'm gg fer authority but at least gif some recognition....it'll make me more motivated...haa.....but i oso dun mind not being in ani department....mabbe dat means i'll b more involved in klass werk....which is wad i wanna do....in case u're wondering if i'm the quietest in office....nope i'm not....there r others hoo realli dun tok much....but somehow dey get to b in charge of some stuff....the outspoken ones sometimes irritate the rest...one or two....erm...mabbe one....in fact, i'm quite chatty in office...n perhaps crappy too...hiakz...

todae's the dae man...i dunno wad the 51-yr-old will sae to my senior....she'll probably ask her straight in the face if she can have me in her klass....not dat i dun wan to...but i've started some werk on the other klass....werking wif her mite gif less room fer democracy....praying hard....

ends at 7:29 AM

Saturday, November 05, 2005Y

shut up

i gathered i must realli watch my mouth....i tend to blabber tings....n tings just slip out of my mouth....but i'll haf a difficult time trying to process everyting i wanna sae before i communicate them to others....

i was asked to go fer a home visit 2 weeks down....i'm realli realli looking ferward to dat....hee...i'm the ferst to be sent on a home visit....tog wif 2 other of my superiors....i'm excited cos the guy whose hse i'm visiting is a guy frm my klass during my attachment....miss him...hope he'll join us....so i started discussing n letting the rest of my colleagues noe bout the visit to his hse....den my dat superior walked over much later n told me i shldn't divulge to the rest....fer confidentiality issues....i was like...okok...sorrie sorrie....but tinking back...i dun realli see the point....cos most of us noe bout him joining....well aniwae, now i noe y she emailed me instead of telling me even tho i was seated 2 seats awae....haiz....

i shld realli restrict myself n kip communication to the minimum....tink i'm one of the chatty one in the office...cos the one beside me alwiz like to tok to me...argh...make me wanna tok oso...haa...sometimes i do feel bad....like i'm not doing werk....but fact is i'm realli quite eng...so we try to doddle awae some of the time....otherwise it'll b boring at werk....boss n senior coming back on tues...so by den...i'll haf to start to find more werk to do...till den...perhaps i'll haf rot to death....haa....

it's realli a boring saturday....cant take it....stayed home whole dae wif nth to do too...argh....hate myself.....

ends at 11:18 PM

Thursday, November 03, 2005Y

hazyl one mth

went to visit my fren todae cos it's her baby's ferst mth...not realli a celebration...just a gathering where a few frens came over...the house had arnd 10 visitors i guess....onli 2 r from my fren's side...the rest from her husband's side....she's currently living in sengkang...so mi n my ger fren had to travel all the wae there...tho i've been travelling a bit ever since i started werk...the baby ger is named hazyl...xin hui...swit name...she has grown a bit since i saw her when she was just borne...but she still looks quite tiny...hee....take after her mum's petite size...a lil on the tan side...everytime we saw her, she was sleeping...but yest she woke up a while fer milk den went back to sleep again...she seems fragile...i din carry her....perhaps til she's a lil bigger...

the 3 of us sat in her bedroom n tok...it was den dat i realise my fren has been gg thru quite a bit since she has given birth....her in-laws noe next to nth abt taking care of babies tho dey had 2 boys....the mother-in-law doesnt noe wad to cook fer my fren....dun noe how to take care of baby....dont noe how to look after my fren.....she's still werking at the moment....worse still is dey din haf a nanny to look aft the baby fer the ferst mth....my fren had to do everyting herself....change nappy, feed milk, wake up in the middle of the nite....etc etc....she din even haf time to rest.....she exerted herself so much dat her wound bled after she gave birth...i realli felt sorrie fer her.....*sobz*

bot a playpen fer hazyl....so heavy!! the 2 of us had to drag it from 3rd storey of PS to ferst floor...wanted to take lrt but realise we cant tahan ani longer...so decided to take cab....can u imagine the cab queue was like soooo long....too bad...had to wait....we cant take it man....haa...so unglam.....to tink dat when we reached, we saw hazyl lying on a playpen which was very similar to ours....pengz....but dat playpen was 2nd hand....and w/o dat mani accessories....so dat's the lucky part....haa....aniwae, she can put it in her grandma's hse since she will be staying there fer the next two weeks...haiz...when my fren starts werk....i realli dunno how she's gg to manage....even if she puts her baby wif her mother hoo lives in jurong...it's gonna take a long journey across spore.....poof....leaving wif the in-laws wld definitely make everyone feel insecured....hmm....after we left, i realli felt quite pitiful fer her....n everyting happened in just 6 mths since she got married....so fast....i kinda feel minute next to her....she's the great mother hoo has a family n can take care of her child....but i still haf the child in mi....still so ignorant n lost in my life....haven achieved ani in life yet....felt like a failure....haiz....

ends at 11:58 PM

Tuesday, November 01, 2005Y

politics

back at werk...politics r starting up....poof...so fast...as usual i'm on a neutral stand...

there's this 51-yr-old lady hoo was SPED (special education) trained...she's a lil full of herself...but she has the experience la...very forthcoming n vocal....studied in aust...came back to spore to werk in autism aft quitting from singtel after 27 solid yrs....guess she's still in her 'aust-is-the-best' attitude...alwiz comparing aust n spore....fergetting dat she's in reserved spore....sometimes wad she saes can be a lil too overwhelming fer others...

while she was having her attachment, she din like how the centre operates...tho i dun realli agree too....but she had her fill there...she told me she had tis lil dispute wif one of the trainers there....i wun take sides...but i can imagine the scenario being her tone was too harsh...leading that trainer to feel offended....

she also had tis friction wif our senior....n mabbe the boss....cant seem to agree on tings...the wae the other werk....lack of communication.....n wae below wld b us....the junior therapists...hard fer us to take ani sides...both sides haf their own wae of werking n reasoning.....poof....

these 2 weeks i haf been trying to come up wif lesson plans, drawings, designs fer t-shirt n handbook cover....dey trying to make me the art creator there...but dat's a lot of stress man....ideas can run out...argh....i'll try to source some other wae out fer me...haa...trying to make my colleague b involved...so mabbe she can take over...hiakz....but i dun mind drawing lar...if got sample or inspiration fer me....been drawing the whole dae....but not everyone wld like wad i drew....tho some i myself is not satisfied...the rest r easily satisfied...hmm....hoping to start my klass very soon....but i dunno how long dat'll take.....the idea that my senior gives us is dat mi n another 2 colleagues, all fresh in tis field will be given a klass.....dat's the part dat worries me most....no experience n i realli haf not a lot of idea on how to coach them....taking care of them is okie....but to make dem learn....dat's quite a big challenge.....but i do hope i can haf someone to experiment on....hee...quite bad lar...but gotta learn along the wae....but hoo's gonna teach me how?? *stressed* hopefulli aft more training in the weeks to come i can gain sth more in return....*sad* all in exchange fer my bangkok trip wif sec sch frens....aniwae i still under probation...so must behave well....haa....

ends at 12:47 AM

shoes

bot 3 pairs of shoes in a row over the last weekend....woah...record...a pair of heels frm charles n keith (my ferst-ever pair frm the supposedly-most-popular chain store in spore), a pair of white floral printed shoes frm far east (i haf a feeling it's not gonna last long cos it hurts a lil), and a pair of teva slippers dat was on sale at world of sports....i had no reason fer buying shoes, not to mention three pairs....i wldn't sae i bot them on impulse....but i just wanted to kip dem as my shoes come n go very fast...

i realise i've been buying quite a number of shoes ever since i started werking...tho i dun wear all of them to werk...apart from the old shoes dat are spoilt, there r others where i buy fer the sake of buying, haf to admit some r on impulse...but most imptly is to find one dat fits my feet...or shld it b the other wae round...hoping i could find one pair my feet can accommodate...it's a tuff job....

there were times where the shoes just look so pritty...n while i tried dem on they do hurt a little...i still bot them...one was my pink peep-toe shoes...it was nice...so i told myself...i'm gg to get used to it...my feet sure can tahan...the ferst time i wore it out...i got blisters at the back of my feet....the second time i wore it wif fear...but i told myself...it's 'season' oreadi...so wun hurt dat much....but it still did...more blisters....the third time i wore it was long after i healed from the blisters...dat was the last straw....i got hurt so much dat my feet became numb n each step i walked in pain....

long time ago i bot a pair of brown heels..i guess dat pair of heels was one of the longest lasting pair of heels i had....loved dem so much....but dey gave wae when i tried walking the whole stretch of bugis n orchard....my feet could not take it after dat man....

den there was oso my pair of yellow heels where i just bot not long ago and am still wearing dem to werk now....i had blisters so jialat dat the skin came off...the marks r still there...dunno when dey'll heal....was persuaded by the salesperson dat it was comfortable n looks good on me...was impressed wif the good service too...dey were comfortable til i wore them fer long dist....still trying to get used to them...so i wear them to werk everydae....dey r quite noisy tho...can hear my footsteps frm a dist awae....hee...

sports shoes r by rite the most comfy...but i used to haf one during my jc daes dat realli squashed my toes till i haf to cramp my toes....now dat i dun get to wear them animore....i do feel sad fer it....dey were thrown awae cos they get spoilt when i dun wear them....wad kinda logic is dat...duhz....shoes oso r attention-seeking huh....

there r shoes where i haf neva worn dem before...or onli wore a few times....somehow dey just dun go wif all occasions...so too bad....left on the shoe rack in some boxes...totally fergotten...

sometimes i wonder y i haf to bear wif all the pain....partly becos of my vanity nature...partly cos i wanna make my money worth....but mabbe oso becos i haf feelings fer it after i bot them...i'm not the kind hoo'll buy this pair of black shoes to match this pair of black dress etc....it's kinda restricted in usage if dat's the case....my shoes shld b versatile...dat's y getting a pair of shoes is difficult fer me....i tink too much....too mani factors to pull in....even in buying shoes....haa....dat's me man...the kinda shoes i go fer alwiz revolve arnd the same design or color or style...dat restricts my choices more...i gathered i haf quite a number of white shoes...cos i look bad in black...some of them r quite swit-looking...cos i'm trying to act swit but in the meantime gritting my teeth while i walk.....i used to alwiz consider the price n the 'slipperi-ness'...n i realise these two factors do not have a positive correlation....the higher the price doesn't mean it is non-slippery or pressure-resistant...cos i do weigh quite a lot...

i used to complain quite a lot to my parents bout the shoes i buy...my dad wld sae..."everytime oso hear ur shoes wear oreadi pain...or slippery til make u fall..." well, it's true.....it's not ez to find a pair dat fits....n even if it does....it mite not last fer a lifetime....does it mean i haf to get a dozen of dat same pair of shoes....mabbe in different colors?? ridiculous rite....

wad i wanna sae is dat a simple task like buying shoes can b so tiring...when you find a pair that fits...buy dem....meantime, dun neglect the pair dat u've alwiz been wearing...cos u nid dat pair to shop arnd fer THE pair....haa...dun get it? in short, treasure all those around u....but at the same time, look out fer THE one...some may look attractive...but u may end up getting hurt....some r comfortable to b wif....but may not last as long as u expect dem to b....personally, i'm one hoo can endure quite a bit...but there's alwiz a threshold fer pain...once exceeded, dat's it....

conclusion: u onli noe whether it fits if you try....onli when u try wearing the shoes out will u get the sensation of pain or comfort....merely trying out at the shop isn't an accurate measure....the same goes in life....this goes out esp to all my frens hoo r in a dilemma...(^.<)v

ends at 12:28 AM